and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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