either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
