i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
from now on my penis is your penis
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
