i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
