I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Drunk is not a location!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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