Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
vagina is talking i cant
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
