Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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