I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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