after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
