Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
