as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
did you just send me my own nude
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
