Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
