Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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