Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
