I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Boobs speak an international language.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
