party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I smell like Dick and happiness
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
