just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
