Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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