You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
