32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
