Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
