I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
