I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
