god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Still dying that you shit outside
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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