sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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