Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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