the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
