I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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