nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
