I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
