I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
