she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
