I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
