he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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