Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
