Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
