Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
