so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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