I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
