Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
