I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
