I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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