when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
