tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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