THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
