Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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