no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
