Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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