Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
