guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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